A parent growing old

They cannot manage alone any more, and I cannot do it all.

You are asked for what you can give, not for everything. The Catechism puts a measure inside the duty itself: “As much as they can, they must give them material and moral support in old age and in times of illness, loneliness, or distress.” CCC 2218

The Church acknowledges that this is hard. Francis, quoting the Synod of Bishops, wrote that “the care that they require often puts a strain on their loved ones”, and that the Church “feels the need to assist families who take care of their elderly and infirm members”. He also noted that “a great number of elderly people are cared for in Church institutions, where, materially and spiritually, they can live in a peaceful, family atmosphere.” Amoris Laetitia 48 The Compendium names both needs of a dependent parent: “not only do they need health care services and appropriate assistance, but — and above all — they need to be treated with love.” CSDC 222

What is ruled out is abandonment, not help. John Paul II warned against cultures that have “set the elderly aside in unacceptable ways”, which “causes acute suffering to them and spiritually impoverishes many families”. Familiaris Consortio 27 The Catechism, quoting Sirach, asks for patience when a parent’s mind fails: “even if he is lacking in understanding, show forbearance”. CCC 2218

Tobias curing his father’s blindness, c. 1630–1635

2218

The fourth commandment reminds grown children of their responsibilities toward their parents. As much as they can, they must give them material and moral support in old age and in times of illness, loneliness, or distress. Jesus recalls this duty of gratitude. Cf. Mk 7:10-12.

For the Lord honored the father above the children, and he confirmed the right of the mother over her sons. Whoever honors his father atones for sins, and whoever glorifies his mother is like one who lays up treasure. Whoever honors his father will be gladdened by his own children, and when he prays he will be heard. Whoever glorifies his father will have long life, and whoever obeys the Lord will refresh his mother. Sir 3:2-6. O son, help your father in his old age, and do not grieve him as long as he lives; even if he is lacking in understanding, show forbearance; in all your strength do not despise him.... Whoever forsakes his father is like a blasphemer, and whoever angers his mother is cursed by the Lord. Sir 3:12-13, 16.

221

The family is present as the place where communion — that communion so necessary for a society that is increasingly individualistic — is brought about. It is the place where an authentic community of persons develops and grows Cf. John Paul II, Apostolic Exhortation Familiaris Consortio, 18: AAS — Acta Apostolicae Sedis (official gazette of the Holy See)Volume 74 (1982) at vatican.va — scanned PDF (1982), 100-101., thanks to the endless dynamism of love, which is the fundamental dimension of human experience and which finds in the family the privileged place for making itself known. “Love causes man to find fulfilment through the sincere gift of self. To love means to give and to receive something which can be neither bought nor sold, but only given freely and mutually” John Paul II, Letter to Families Gratissimam Sane, 11: AAS — Acta Apostolicae Sedis (official gazette of the Holy See)Volume 86 (1994) at vatican.va — scanned PDF (1994), 883.. It is thanks to love, the essential reality for defining marriage and the family that every person — man and woman — is recognized, accepted and respected in his dignity. From love arise relationships lived in gratuitousness, which “by respecting and fostering personal dignity in each and every one as the only basis for value ... takes the form of heartfelt acceptance, encounter and dialogue, disinterested availability, generous service and deep solidarity” John Paul II, Apostolic Exhortation Familiaris Consortio, 43: AAS — Acta Apostolicae Sedis (official gazette of the Holy See)Volume 74 (1982) at vatican.va — scanned PDF (1982), 134.. The existence of families living this way exposes the failings and contradictions of a society that is for the most part, even if not exclusively, based on efficiency and functionality. By constructing daily a network of interpersonal relationships, both internal and external, the family is instead “the first and irreplaceable school of social life, and example and stimulus for the broader community relationships marked by respect, justice, dialogue and love” John Paul II, Apostolic Exhortation Familiaris Consortio, 43: AAS — Acta Apostolicae Sedis (official gazette of the Holy See)Volume 74 (1982) at vatican.va — scanned PDF (1982), 134..

222

Love is also expressed in the generous attention shown to the elderly who live in families: their presence can take on great value. They are an example of connections between generations, a resource for the well-being of the family and of the whole of society: “Not only do they show that there are aspects of life — human, cultural, moral and social values — which cannot be judged in terms of economic efficiency, but they can also make an effective contribution in the work-place and in leadership roles. In short, it is not just a question of doing something for older people, but also of accepting them in a realistic way as partners in shared projects — at the level of thought, dialogue and action” John Paul II, Message to the Second World Assembly on Ageing, Madrid (3 April 2002): L'Osservatore Romano, English edition, 24 April 2002, p. 6; cf. John Paul II, Apostolic Exhortation Familiaris Consortio, 27: AAS — Acta Apostolicae Sedis (official gazette of the Holy See)Volume 74 (1982) at vatican.va — scanned PDF (1982), 113-114.. As the Sacred Scripture says: “They still bring forth fruit in old age” (Ps 92:15). The elderly constitute an important school of life, capable of transmitting values and traditions, and of fostering the growth of younger generations, who thus learn to seek not only their own good but also that of others. If the elderly are in situations where they experience suffering and dependence, not only do they need health care services and appropriate assistance, but — and above all — they need to be treated with love.

Amoris Laetitia Mar 19, 2016
Familiaris Consortio Nov 22, 1981

From the Catechism

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